Tag Archives: valentine’s day

Attack of the Photo-Blog: Altered Valentine’s Day Cards (now with more creepy love from yours truly!)

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My name is Constance Ann Fitzgerald and I’m addicted to Disney Princesses.

There, I’ve said it.

I’m 26 years old and I still have to talk myself out of purchasing all kinds of trivial items because there is a big fucking Cinderella painted on the side. Or more recently a Belle teacup. I NEEDED it for my morning coffee! Not every morning can be a Swamp Thing morning. Sometimes a girl needs to feel fancy…and 8 years old.

I once got in a fight with a little girl at the Disney Store in Fiesta Mall in Mesa, AZ because I was gawking at their selection of Princess Barbies.

“Why is Tinkerbell a princess barbie? She wasn’t a princess.” I said to my friend.
“Yes she was.” interjected a little girl standing near by.
“NO she wasn’t” I snapped.
“She was princess of the fairies!”
“She was JUST a fairy!”

My friend grabbed my arm and told me she was finished shopping.
Thank god. That shit could have escalated. Then I’d be doing hard time for shoving a Tinkerbell doll down some little girl’s throat and  beating her parents with the nearest giant Mickey Mouse effigy for raising such an ignorant child, instead of sharing this with you now.

I’m not sure which you would prefer. Weigh it out.

So last week when I went to the local discounted food store, because my period SERIOUSLY required a frozen pizza, I could not walk by the display of 99 cent Princess valentines. I tried. But c’mon! They were only a fucking DOLLAR!
I didn’t even look at  them. I just grabbed them and continued along my way to appease the cheese craving menstrual beast that dwells within.

I thought that maybe I would give out valentines this year. It isn’t something I usually do. I sit around and gripe about how much I dislike this Hallmark holiday and how all it does is make single people feel kind of shitty.
The typical cliche, bitter, perpetually single girl bullshit.

Well, fuck a big bunch of  that.
It’s been one hell of a year. Ups and downs, just like everyone else. But my ups are SO fucking good. So, why not share my own brand of creepy love?

I decided to alter the cards with whatever odds and ends I had in my craft bag. I’m pretty pleased with what came out of an hour or so of decorating with whatever was on hand.
Despite the unforgivable princess swap. I mean, who really gives a flying fuck about the Frog Princess? WHERE THE FUCK IS ARIEL?!?! That’s what happens at the used food store.
Click to enlarge images

To make it more fun, only two of them are really MEANT for specific people. Everyone else just has to close their eyes and pick one from the envelope.

If you’re a local, stop by and pick one out. If not, I can probably send you one.

I spent the actual holiday eating burritos with friends and watching Battlestar Galactica. Valentine’s Day isn’t so bad after all.

Avoid Breaking Hearts, Your Wallet and Being Set on Fire This Valentine’s Day!

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Avoid Breaking Hearts, Your Wallet and Being Set on Fire This Valentine’s Day!

As a girl who has never had a legitimate boyfriend or any kind of normal, stable relationship I am not qualified to tell you how to make this the best Valentine’s Day ever.
But I CAN give you some ideas for gifts that aren’t the same old bullshit.

Girls love chocolate. I will not dispute that.

They can't control themselves. Look at this bitch. She won't even share.

In fact, I encourage you to purchase chocolate in addition to any of the following gift ideas for your sweet pea, honey bun, sugar pie, or vomit kitten.
…what?


 

 

 

 

Check out these awesome and affordable (if not ridiculously cheap) gift ideas to make the swooning and googly eyes happen.

 

Bradley Sands Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy
From Amazon: “Bizarro humorist Bradley Sands returns with one of the strangest, most hilarious collections of the year.
In Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy, the pope gets sued, a headless man falls in love with a bowl of rice, and architects dismantle the earth. A war breaks out over greeting cards. A suicidal amputee tries to kill himself. William S. Burroughs becomes an amateur archaeologist and Tao Lin drinks an ape-flavored smoothie.
Between a breakfast of clocks, a lunch date with Adolf Hitler, and breakdancing in outer space, anything is possible in the work of Bradley Sands. Just never wear a bear costume to an orgy.
And it’s FREE for Kindle now!

So much smoulder that he'll let you buy some for $5

Personalized Sonnets from THE Garrett Cook- Just $5!
Want a heart felt and romantic gift? Let Garrett Cook do all the heart-feeling for you, while making your lover think you have an ounce of poetry in your soul. They never need know the difference.
For all they know, your love for them inspired you to compose sonnets of love and adoration. Flattery will get you everywhere.
Click HERE for more details!

 

 

No, seriously. Free shit. Use the promo code.

Sex Toys!
Because you’re already in the giving spirit, so may as well take it there. Go big or go home…alone.
Valentine’s Day used to be about massacres and gore and MAYHEM!
Fortunately it has taken a much sexier course.
Right now at adamandeve.com if you enter  the code “LOVESEX” (because we all do) you will receive 50% off your order, FREE porno DVDs, FREE shipping, and a FREE sexy mystery gift!
(While you’re using, and enjoying, our promo code, maybe stop by loveandsexwithlex.com or iTunes and download one or all TEN hilarious and educational episodes of the podcast Love and Sex with Lex!)

Even the logo is fucking cute

The Gift of Style
Give your lady something sweet, stylish, and unique from Doe Eyed and Pigeon Toed to round out her Valentine’s day look.

 

 

 

"My name's Gypsy, what's yours?"

Burlesque Classes with Bombshell Betty
Because nothing is sexier than self confidence…except a little strut and a sweet ensemble.
Click HERE to find out about all the services Bombshell Betty has to offer!

 

 

But nothing beats a stolen from the internet handmade Valentine: